Der Schreiber

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2007-12-16T16:30:00.000-08:00

8:22am.

Probably the earliest I've gotten out of bed in quite a while.

Sure, I didn't hit my target as planned. But I did leave on time and actually made it to church before 10:00am.

Not perfection, but progress nonetheless.

Tomorrow's goal: Up at 7:45am, at work by 9:30am.

Once again, we'll see what happens.

Assignment #1

2007-12-15T22:30:00.001-08:00

So I've decided that the first aspect of my life in which I'd like to become more disciplined is simply getting up on time in the morning and arriving at my destination on time. Since tomorrow is Sunday, I will need to wake up at 8:00am and arrive at church by 10:00am. I don't think it will happen. It's just too hard for me to get up that early, regardless of how much sleep I get. Will the accountability of this blog bring me any incentive or encouragement tomorrow morning?

Stay tuned...

The Hike / The Real Deal

2007-12-15T21:09:00.000-08:00

Part I: The Hike

Okay, so I'm posting this several days after the event. But nonetheless...

She and I had a great time together. The weather was perfect -75 degrees and sunny with a nice breeze - and quite unseasonably warm for this time of year. We spent about 2.5 hours (seems to be our niche for time together) at the park, comprised of about 1 hour of hiking and the remainder of time sitting on a bench with a beautiful view of the lake. Our conversations were once again pleasant and interesting, exploring further into the depths of family, our upbringing, and God. The latter of these subjects was definitely the most satisfying and provocative. I mainly asked her questions and she tried her best to answer them. I was deliberate in approaching her in a non-hostile way, as my intent was not to "preach" but rather force her to verbalize her beliefs - which she had some difficulty with at times. But, sometimes that's the point of talking about it - to explore and to question, and in the end, to hopefully have a better sense of what you really believe. Or, at least that was my point in doing it. One thing she did say is that she had never discussed religion with anyone else to that great of length and depth before. Being that she remained open to the topic and didn't get upset or frustrated with me throughout the discussion, I took that as a compliment.

Overall, a nice time together.

Part II: The Real Deal

So, just to come clean with all of you - or none of you, since I have no idea whether anyone at all reads this blog - allow me to expose the real intent of this blog.

I have gradually fallen into a slump within the last year or so. Essentially, I have allowed myself to become demotivated in nearly every aspect of my life: my job, my relationships, my finances, my hobbies and interests - right down to my desire (or lack thereof) to get out of bed every morning. I can think of a few reasons that probably brought me to such a place, but the psychology behind it all is not the point of this blog.

To put it bluntly, I need to get my life together. I feel like I'm reaching a place in life where I just don't care about anything anymore, and the more that time passes, the worse it gets. I've decided that my problem is not health-related, nor some condition (e.g. depression) that I have no control over. Rather, I'm convinced that my real issue is simply laziness. I realize that everyone gets lazy about things from time to time, but mine is a cumulative laziness that has developed into a full-blown habit and I'm having the hardest time shaking it.

So, my intent is to use this blog as a form of daily accountability to get myself back on track. I'm choosing to remain anonymous, simply because of the rather personal nature of the content involved. I realize it may be that no one will even read, let alone follow this blog, which then relegates this to merely an online journal. But it's an effort that I'm willing to make.

Honestly, I don't expect this "project" to last more than a week. The idea of me being disciplined enough to do anything on a daily basis seems a bit out of my grasp right now.

We'll see what happens...

The Phone Call

2007-12-10T21:21:00.000-08:00

Much to my surprise, she took the news well. Almost too well. But not because she didn't like me and was secretly hoping that things wouldn't work out between us. She was just impressed with the fact that a guy was completely honest with her and took the initiative to tell her how he truly feels. Makes me wonder about the character (or lack thereof) of the guys she had been with before. If only every girl held a deep appreciation for such things...

To add to the irony, we're actually getting together [tentatively] tomorrow to go for a hike. Perhaps we'll just become good friends and each be okay with that. Of course, if that happens, she will be the first "good female friend" I'll have ever had. At 29 years old and quickly closing in on 30, I think I'm long overdue for that.

First Date Part II

2007-12-09T13:34:00.000-08:00

So the date went well. Relatively speaking, that is (I'll explain shortly).

We met at Starbucks. I showed up early so I could make sure I was comfortable and that we could actually have a table (that particular Starbucks is always quite busy). She walked in and recognized me right away. As she walked towards the table, I realized that she looked a bit...er...heavier than I had imagined. She wasn't FAT, per se, but rather it seemed she may have put on a few extra pounds since her pictures were taken. Soon enough, though, this realization was all but forgotten as we immediately engaged in full blown conversation.

And a great conversation it was. We covered a lot of ground - everything from friends and family, to growing up in school, to hobbies, to even politics! It was all very pleasant and even interesting. We talked for 2.5 hours and we were the last patrons left in the store (the Starbucks crew had to kick us out!).

We exchanged another brief conversation in the parking lot before parting ways, and I even initiated a hug (to which she openly embraced). Overall, a good first "date".

Now for the "relatively" part...

So in my pursuit of finding the right girl, the keystone of qualities that I'm looking for is that she must have a genuine and active relationship with God. My date, however, did not. But the really bad part is that I knew this before meeting her, as we had spoken on the phone a few times before the date. So why did I meet up with her then?

I wish I had a really good reason. But I didn't. Really, I just wanted to feel good about the fact that a.) I had a date; and b.) that someone was interested in me enough to come out and meet me. And, c.) I guess there was part of me that really wanted to find a way to make things work, in spite of our different views about God. After all, I found her to be attractive and thought she had many great qualities...just not the single most important one.

You see, this was only the second date I had ever been on in my life. Not that that lends itself to being an excuse for leading a girl on - because it doesn't. But unfortunately, I allowed my insecurity to supercede my conscience.

And now for the really hard part - calling her and explaining all of this. As gently, yet honestly as possible.

I'll post after the dreaded phone call.

First date

2007-12-08T19:15:00.000-08:00

So I’m meeting this girl tonight for the first time. I don’t know what to expect. We’ve seen pictures of each other, spoken on the phone a few times, but it’s always different when you meet in person. You try to formulate in your mind how the person is going to act – mannerisms, facial expressions, body language, etc. But it’s never quite what you expect, for better or worse. Hopefully for the better.

We met on one of the many online dating websites in existence today. The kind for “busy professional adults who don’t have time for a social life.” And for social misfits like me. I just wonder what her excuse is…

Stay tuned to my full report after the “date”.